We all love to be happy; in fact happiness is the main goal of our life. We study, work and earn to be and make our family happy. But in spite of doing everything, at the end of day, are we happy?
Do you want to be happy? When? How often?
I want to be happy always, every moment. I know it may not sound practical, but given a chance I would prefer to be so.
If you are a parent, what do you think will bring happiness?
Obviously, kids. Their happiness, their success in every step of life, their growth in academics, extra- curricular activities, social behavior, higher studies, career, married life and so on.
So is your happiness dependent on your kids performance in every phase of their life?
Yes, very true. That will be the biggest gift they can give me.
If you are a student, what do you think will bring happiness?
I will be happy, when
–> My parents love me and accept me the way I am.
–> I am allowed to go out with my friends to parks, films. restaurants, etc.
–> I get all that I want.
–> I score good marks and top the ranking list
–> I am appreciated for my work.
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There is no doubt that children should study sincerely, work hard and score good marks. It is very important for their future. But, never ever make kids feel, that their marks are the source of our happiness. Now, it becomes more of a pressure to them. Kids cannot perform well under pressure.
As a parent (at home or work place), can we work at our best, when we are pressurized? Do we prefer it?
It is high time, that we all understand what gives us happiness. In fact, we should clearly be aware of what gives us what.
We all need to
Study —> to score good marks
Marks —> promotion to higher classes (with distinction)
Good% in higher classes —> admission into good colleges —> placement in MNC/ reputed companies (my first job) or admission in universities abroad for higher studies.
High salary/ money —> to buy various things like house, land, cars, fridge, TVs, sofa set, AC, iPad, Tablets, gaming consoles, camera, all sophisticated gadgets, etc.
—>travel throughout the world
—>pay fees, rent
—>buy all that money can buy
Accomplishments/awards —> gives us recognition/ fame/ popularity/ promotions
Food —>satisfies hunger, gives taste
Water —> quenches thirst
Bed/ Sofa/ AC/ fridge —> gives comfort
Cars/ iphones —> commute/communicate
All physical things serve their own physical purpose. Nothing external (items, achievements, possessions) can create happiness in us.
We often rely on such things to make us feel happy. Example:
I will be happy if i become an IAS
I will be happy if I get a Honda car
I will be happy if I get that new expensive dress
I will be happy if I live in US
I will be happy only if I get married.
I can be happy only if I get a very tasty and delicious meal.
All these physical items/happenings can never create happiness in us, if it can, then all people having a Honda car must be happy or all people in US must be happy, or does it happen so? Are all married people happy always? Well, that’s a different story altogether…
Say, I got the new dress which I wanted and there are many people appreciating that dress, like, “what a nice dress, the material is very good, the design is unique, it suits you so well” and so on. But, there may be people who comment negatively like, “This doesn’t go so well with you, it is old fashioned” and so on. Now, the same dress which I thought made me happy, has now become a cause for my sadness. Then I go to other people and ask, “my dress is nice na? It costs Rs2000….” until people reaffirm that my dress is wonderful. So, what am I doing? Literally begging people for appreciation, so that I am happy. Indirectly, I am standing like a beggar asking people for my happiness. 🙁
With regard to relationship,
I will be happy only if you do this(even something that your inner soul not allowing you) for me.
I will be happy, if you finish your work on time.
I will be happy, if you score above 95%.
I will be happy only if you become a doctor
I can be happy only if you adjust with me
I can be happy only if you help me
I can be happy only if you try to understand me
I can be happy only if you get promoted and earn more
I can be happy if you dress well and look smart
I can be happy only if I am being appreciated by all or at least from my close friends and family.
We always want other people to change, understand and adjust according to us but when the same is expected from us, we feel “why should I do it always?” Other people, be it, siblings, children/ spouse/ in-laws/ parents/ friends/ colleagues, will always be different from us.
To have good relationships always and always remember, “Nobody is right or wrong/ good or bad, we are all different” and we need to accept this fact. The sooner we accept, the happier we will be.
We should always remember, “People and situations will never be according to my definition of right or according to any general definition of right.” People will always behave in a way, they feel is right, which I may feel it wrong. The moment we understand them from their perspective, then we will be able to empathize them, this is called compassion.
For me to be happy, I can only think about what I can do, to stay happy and not what others should do. The moment I rely on others for my happiness, I start losing it.
Some of us, in order to be happy, we
Watch films, Listen to music
Go for shopping/ outing
Go to restaurants/ hotels
Watching films/ TV programs serves as a means of entertainment.
Listen…. Shopping/ outing gives us a change in atmosphere.
Hotels- change in food.
None of these create happiness in us. If they create, are we always happy when we do any of these?
“If you wait for happy moments, you’ll wait forever,
But if you start believing that you are happy, you will be happy forever.”
Is there anything physical/ external, that is permanent/ never changes at all?
NO.
Then, why do we rely on them for our happiness? We need to clearly understand what and why we perform many activities in life. If we perform it in a happy state of mind, we will enjoy doing it, hence we are happy and will radiate happiness to people around. If we like to sing, when we do so, we are happy. If we like to draw, we remain happy while doing so.
But life is unpredictable or uncertain. There are many things in life that we need to do, whether we want to or not. So we first need to understand why we are doing it and then do it. If we don’t try to understand the reason, we end up grumbling or create a victim feeling, like “poor me, I have to do this for them, I don’t want to do, yet I am doing only for their happiness” and so on.
Let’s try to understand with some examples:
1. I am currently working in a firm and I like my job. After my marriage, my in-laws want me to take care of all household works. They do not want me to work. My husband also feels the same. Since I am interested in working, I explain to them that I can very well manage home and office. I try to do my best in both. Yet I feel that there are misunderstandings in family as I am still going to work.
Now, I have a choice.
1. I either need to convince my family gently about my preference, it’s financial reasons and see if it works out.
(OR)
2. I understand that my relationship with my husband and in-laws is more important to me and I decide to quit.
(OR)
3. I just continue to work, irrespective of any problems in my relationship because my career is important to me
(OR)
4. I just can’t tolerate the fights within my family, I want peace. So just for their sake, I quit my job.
In either 1 or 2, the choice that I make is for my own happiness.
In 3, I give more priority to my work than to my relationship. Here, I will be filled with hatred towards my family and there cannot be happiness in a place where there is no love.
In 4, I blame others for my decision, “quitting the job”. Hence I will be repenting for it later in my life which is surely not going to give me happiness.
Hence my decision is my choice and when I understand that, I will be happy in whatever I do.
2. I am a student and there are options for me to choose my main stream subjects: pure science, computer or commerce. My parents are doctors, so they want me to choose pure science. I am good in drawing too. But I want to become a CA, so I want to choose commerce. My parents force me to take pure science as they feel I am capable of it but I am interested in commerce. Again it is my choice:
· I either convince my parents that since I am interested I will be able to do my best in it. As it is my decision, I will be responsible and study sincerely.
(OR)
· Since my parents know my capability better, I understand that their decision will be best for me. I also feel that they will be able to help me better.
(OR)
· I blindly opt for the subject I am interested in without any discussion with my parents.
(OR)
· I don’t want to disappoint my parents, so I blindly opt for their choice, for their satisfaction.
In the first 2 choices, I completely understand what and why I am choosing a subject. I am clear and stable within. Hence I know my decision is my choice and so I will do it happily.
In the last 2 choices, I take a decision just out of an emotional outburst, which is filled with irritation/ selfishness/ victim feeling. So in these 2 cases I cannot be happy.
Hence in any given situation in life, we need to sit and think patiently as to what is my priority in life. Is it relationship or career? Is it family or only myself? Is it financial status or comfort? Depending on the situation, we need to first remain calm and stable within, then, analyze and understand the advantage and disadvantage of our choices. We need to feel responsible for our actions and decisions, only then can we do our best and have a positive view of life.
In any given situation (which we call “problem”) in life, we always have a choice and we need to understand this.
Desires, expectations and comparison are a huge hindrance to our happiness.
Desires are the “wants” that we create in our mind. We can have desires in life but don’t make our happiness dependent on those. For example, I may want to buy a table or a dress or want to win a game or want to go abroad for higher studies/ work. All such desires are good and will motivate us to do our best. But if we do not get what we wanted, we should have the mindset to understand that we have done our best and leave the results to God. We can also analyze on our performance, make corrections if any, and try again. We cannot get all that we want but we can be contented with all that we have (in terms of materialistic possessions).
We create an image of a person in our mind and assume that he/she will be like that image; this is called expectation. We can expect from people, provided we have the mindset to accept it’s outcome. When we expect high marks from our kids, we need to know their capability first. Before every expectation, we need to understand the other person from his perspective.
Like, Most of them expect a lot from their spouse and when they are not met, most of the time people are unable to accept them. This causes pain. Let us not create an image about other people in our minds and then expect that they should match with that image. It is impossible to match. We should accept people the way they are, rather than to expect.
Acceptance is the key to be free of mental pressures.
When can expectations affect us?
1. When people don’t behave the way I want
2. When work does not happen as per my plan
3. When situations in life are unfavorable to me (does not happen the way I want)
Practically,
Can all people around me (friends/family) have the same opinion like mine?
Can everyone have the same attitude like mine?
Can everyone have the same like and dislikes like me?
Can all of us think the same way, all the time?
Definitely NO.
So, can people have their own definitions of right and wrong? YES
Again, let me state, “Nobody is right or wrong/ good or bad, we are all different”
When we all know that people are unique in their own way, it is easy to accept them the way they are. Acceptance means to completely accept them as an individual (not branding them like “a loser”, “a slow coach”, “dirty goose”, “fit for nothing”, etc) and try to correct them affectionately, if we feel their action is not good for them.
We expect friends/ family to like our posts/ status/ photos on facebook. We always expect people to appreciate us. It does not matter if it is true or not.
For example, When someone prepare a dish with love for their spouse, they expect him/ her to say, “it is delicious, yummy ” or at least stay quiet. Even if it was not good, we expect this “little” from him/her. If someone was honest with us and says “this time it was not that good”, we are unable to accept it.
Are we so powerless that we depend on people’s lies for our happiness?
Don’t we have the attitude to listen and accept the truth?
Never let the comments of other people affect us in any way. When someone comments negatively, we just need to check their statements. If it is true, then we need to change else, just ignore. People are bound to have their own opinions about us.
The opinion that I hold about someone, depends on my mindset and not on the other person.
The lesser is our desires and expectations, the happier we will be.
Comparison is due to the lack of self respect We should analyze, understand and accept our strengths and weaknesses. We should gauge ourselves first. Never compare with others and feel we are not good. All of us are unique in our own way.
Now we understand that HAPPINESS lies within us always and it is our choice how much we make use of it. If we make it dependent on external things which are not in our control or which are bound to changes, then our happiness is also bound to fluctuate, means, sometimes sad, sometimes angry/ irritated, sometimes happy. When we truly accept that the decision we take is our choice depending on our priorities, we will be happy in whatever we do.
All emotional feelings are self created (in our control) and all external (body related) feelings are due to external factors(not in our control).
Emotional feelings- happiness, love, peace, trust, understanding, concern, sadness, worry, anger, etc.
External feelings- feeling warm, cold, pain, numbness, tingles, etc.
At times, depending on the situation we create anger, sadness, worry, tension, depression and many such feelings. I am sure none of us are comfortable with these negative feelings.
When we are filled with those, we need to quickly stop and think what caused it, what were the thoughts within is due to which we created such feelings. Then, we need to find alternate ways of approach to the same situation and prepare us better emotionally.
We should not try to escape from our emotions, not continue to live with that self pity/ victim feeling and definitely not leave it to TIME. If we do so, it will get deeply ingrained in our consciousness and every time any situation occurs, that impression will get created and our sadness becomes our prevailing mood.
“Time is the best healer”, this is a very common statement, but is it true? Along with time, we need to change ourselves emotionally. Only time cannot help us out, until and unless, we try to help ourselves.
For example: Many people, when depressed, try to escape from it by drinking alcohol/ smoking, some watch movies/ listen to songs, there are many who just work continuously, in order to divert their minds from the emotion. All these methods only give a temporary change but will not resolve the problem. So, we need to face the emotion, accept it and take the responsibility of changing it.
Happiness is within us always, we just need to activate it. We need not search for it anywhere outside. Let us not make our happiness dependent on physical entities which is ever changing. All emotions and feelings like happiness, love, compassion, purity, understanding, caring, patience, etc are created by us. No one outside or nothing external is responsible for my feelings.
A man asked a sculptor: How do you make such beautiful idols from stone?
He replied: Idols and images are already there, I remove the unwanted stone only.
Message is: “Happiness is hidden within us, we only need to remove the worries”.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
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